Ken R. R. Adam

[The week that both George Martin and Ken Adam died . . .]

PRESENTER: [Off-mic] . . . just leave it at the top of the stairs. No, no, it’s fine. Yes. Yes. Thank you.

FX: HEAVY BOX BEING DROPPED.

PRESENTER: This week saw the death of great Anglo-German film designer, Ken Adam. Dr. Strangelove, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, seven Bond films, his work is justly celebrated. But the news threw confused fans of fantasy writer Ken R. R. Adam into a panic on social media, fearing that his epic series, “A Fingering of Gold”, would now not be completed.

PRESENTER: Ken R. R. Adam, welcome. I understand this sort of thing is happening more and more these days.

KEN R. R. ADAM: Yes, indeed. I was talking to my friends and fellow epic fantasy writers Umberto R. R. Eco and Terry R. R. Wogan about it just the other day. Terrible business.

PRESENTER: Well, we’re glad to see you alive and kicking. And good luck with finishing the book.

KEN R. R. ADAM: Thank you. Any year now. Any year now.

FX: HE GETS UP TO LEAVE. FADING FOOTSTEPS.

PRESENTER: Now, we turn to — MIND THE BOX!

FX: UNNECESSARILY LOUD AND LONG FX OF MAN FALLING DOWN STAIRS. A BIT GOON SHOW.

PRESENTER: [After a pause] This week saw the untimely and tragic death of epic fantasy writer Ken R. R. Adam. Ken R. R. R. R. Adam, writer of epic fantasy series, “A Thundering of Balls”, welcome to the studio.

KEN R. R. R. R. ADAM: [He sounds exactly like Ken R. R. Adam] Thank you.

PRESENTER: Ken R. R. R. R. Adam, rumours of your death are trending on Twitter as we speak. Would you like to say something to reassure your fans?

KEN R. R. R. R. ADAM: Ken R. R. Adam was a very good friend of mine, but an entirely different writer of epic fantasy. Entirely different.

PRESENTER: Great. Thanks for clearing that up.

KEN R. R. R. R. ADAM: No problem.

FX: HE GETS UP TO LEAVE. FADING FOOTSTEPS.

PRESENTER: Now, we turn to – MIND THE – !

FX: UNNECESSARILY LOUD AND LONG FX OF MAN FALLING DOWN STAIRS. EVEN LOUDER AND LONGER THAN LAST TIME.

PRESENTER: [After a pause] Ken R. R. R. R. RrrrrRRRrrrrrr [it sounds like an engine starting up] Adam. Welcome. You are currently still alive?

KEN R. R. R. R. RrrrrRRRrrrrrr ADAM: [He sounds exactly like the other two] Very much so. Completely alive, unlike the other two.

PRESENTER: Excellent. Great. RrrrrRRRrrrrrr? [it sounds like an engine starting up] That’s not your real name, is it Ken?

KEN R. R. R. R. RrrrrRRRrrrrrr ADAM: Very much so. Ken R. R. R. R. RrrrrRRRrrrrrr [it sounds like an engine starting up] Adam. That’s definitely me.

PRESENTER: It’s not, is it.

KEN R. R. R. R. RrrrrRRRrrrrrr ADAM: [Sheepishly] No.

PRESENTER: What’s your real name, Ken?

KEN R. R. R. R. RrrrrRRRrrrrrr ADAM: [A confession] It’s . . . it’s J. Tolkien.

PRESENTER. Nothing to be ashamed of. Now go away. And do mind the box.

END

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