More Names from the Spam Can

Jumpsuit G. Oversells’s hero is the great Richard Simmons — he’d at least love to be as butch as Richard — but for the moment his domain is middle-of-the-night infomercials, in which he impresses the Botox off of his co-host, Cindy Ex-Actress, while working up a sweat to KC and the Sunshine Band. He’s a real professional, though, and has the key phrases ‘quick and easy’, and ‘but the best part is’, committed to memory. He’ll get there one day, and then he’ll be able to make Richard his bitch.

Ninetieth J. Riboflavin has done all of the talk shows, and is currently finishing what his publisher assures him will be a smash bestseller, in the spirit of The South Beach Diet. He’s planning to call it: ‘Live to 100 by Eating Nothing Except Corn Flakes’.

Woodenness T. Corpuscle’s days of fame are over, and he knows that, but he can still dream nostalgically of those months on the set of Fantastic Voyage, and wonder wistfully whether anything would have come of his passion for Raquel Welsh if he’d not been stuck in the white blood cell costume all day long. He cherishes the signed photograph from Donald Pleasence, ‘To My Favourite Erythrocyte. Love, Donald.’

And Shady P. Nonrefundable is, of course, nothing but a piece of shit spammer.